Monday, August 6, 2007

Mass Brawl

It started off as most things do, with something very small,
In fact, it would be true to say that it was bugger all.
Kneeling down, one altar boy looked sideways at his chum,
Who seemed to take exception, and adroitly pinched his bum.
Father Bruce was watching and he gave a warning look,
Unseen by the first altar boy, who gave his friend a puck.
His pal was not discouraged that his mate was two years older,
And promptly gave him quite a hefty dig upon the shoulder.
The mother of the second boy then leapt up from her pew,
And everybody rubber-necked to get a better view.
And Sister Dottie, on the organ, spotted her intention
And quickly crossed to try and make a saving intervention.
I’m sure it was an accident, but when the woman brushed
By the nun, the latter fell, as though she had been pushed.
And Father Bruce, all dressed in red, jumped up in great alarm,
And, on the woman he did place a strong, restraining arm.
The woman’s husband then got up and shouted, “Let her go!”
Somebody thought that somewhat rich, and promptly told him so.
The woman’s husband swung a punch and let a mighty roar,
Which heralded a free for all erupting on the floor.
Someone belted Sister Dot, who landed on her organ,
And Lily, in the ladies’ choir, assaulted Father Morgan.
Father Bruce then waded in, with fists and elbows flying,
While both the altar servers sat down on the altar crying.
The chaplain called for order but his pleas for self-control
Were silenced when a golf umbrella caught him up his hole.
The oul’ wans in the ladies’ choir rushed in to rescue Lily,
Handbags twirling viciously, and striking willy-nilly.
They caught poor Father Morgan and they kicked him in the crotch,
He crept beneath the pulpit with a chalice full of Scotch.
They were grappling in the chapel, they were raving in the nave,
The chaplain broke his collarbone on St. Columban’s grave.
The carpet pile was covered with a load of broken glass.
It wasn’t quite a normal Reconciliation Mass.

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