Saturday, August 11, 2007

My Oscar Acceptance Speech

With buttocks clenched, and stomach wrenched,
I watched in fear and hope,
As the faded actor’s fumbling fingers
Tore the envelope.
He grappled with his glasses just
To reinforce the tension,
And then he called my name out and
Dispelled my apprehension.

I jumped and hollered, waved and yelled,
I really celebrated,
As everybody all around me
Standingly ovated.
I kissed the blonde beside me
Whom I only vaguely knew
[She had a 42-inch bust,
I nearly kissed that too.]

And, as I bounded down, I saw
The other nominees,
Smiles frozen on their faces
Like a rare disease.
Such moments only come too rare,
But, oh! What joy they bring us.
I abandoned all hypocrisy and
Gave all three the fingers.

Cavorting madly up the steps,
I grabbed my precious Oscar,
Then yelled a high soprano that
Was never heard in “Tosca”
Arms outstretched and head held back
I milked the glory, yet
I kept my knuckles tightly wrapped
Around that statuette.

And when the roar subsided,
I did take hold of the mike,
And said, “I bet you cannot com-
Prehend what this feels like.
It’s like a million birthdays, or
I’ve won the Lottery.
Make no mistake, nobody else
Deserves this more than me.

I won’t thank my director for
I won this thing despite him.
I’m having a party afterwards,
There’s no way I’ll invite him.
Though all his brainless minions
Serve him with great devotion,
He couldn’t direct a stranded whale
Back into the ocean.

My lovely leading lady, she’s
So elegant and fair,
Ably reconstructed from
A set of Tupperware.
Neurotic to the nth degree,
She lives on pills and coffee,
And yet it’s quite self-evident
She cannot act for toffee.

Whoever wrote the dialogue
Should spend some time in prison.
They are not fit to shovel shit
On children’s television.
And everybody on the set,
A bunch of sad fanatics –
I’ve seen much more professionalism
In amateur dramatics.

My darling wife, I realise
Your life is very hard,
Swanning all around LA
With my gold credit card.
Mascara, lip-gloss, all the works,
Like some decrepit harlot.
So, you sod off! I’m off to find
A nice young nubile starlet.

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